appease:

Dear Mom, I can’t believe it’s already been nine months. I’m sorry I don’t talk to you often but I don’t know how to reach you. Even if I did know how to reach you, I don’t know what’d I’d say besides the obvious. I miss you. I am everything I am because of you. I wish I could be just like you. I talk about you using present-tense verbs as if you’re still around. I don’t know how I manage to act like everything’s fine because they’re not. I’m sorry about so many things. I’m sorry I wasn’t around as often but I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t want to face the facts, you are the strongest person I know and I just figured you could just heal - that you could make it all go away, just like you could with everything bad. I don’t understand how it all went wrong. Just like you, I told myself that the conclusion would be optimistic, but it wasn’t. You had such a strong will, you believed that you’d get better and I believed it too. I can’t imagine how it must have felt to go through so many visits to the hospital only to have them tell you negative results. When you finally got better we were happy, you were happy and we talked about all the things we could do once you were completely healed. We’d do this, we’d do that, but of course the cancer came back and by then there was nothing we could do. I didn’t understand. Here you were in front of me but some how you were dying. You just got skinnier and I could see it. The cancer took everything out of you. All the products, all the lotions… There was nothing to give you back what you once had, and I know it hurt you to see that but I still thought you were beautiful. I miss you so much. I tell myself that I’ll see you again and I hope it’s true. I try not to believe all the Buddhist mumbo jumbo about you being in a completely different life unaware of all the people you’ve left behind. I love you so much. I used to hate that I was an only child and wish that I had a sister but I’m glad that I had you. You were like a sister, a mother, and a best friend put all into one. I was lucky to have had you as a mother.

I’m sorry for any disappointments Ive caused you and I truly hope that you’re well and happy and free. I love you.

Your daughter,

Christine

P.S. Mother’s Day is coming up. I’m still going to get you flowers. I love you.